Am I a bad Mother?

 

By Katrina Hamilton

 

 

I cry when I’m alone. A lot. The thought of having to care for someone who depends on you and cannot survive without you is frightening. On top of that, my daughter screams my head off almost non stop on me, but is an angel with her dad. It’s frustrating. I’m always tired. I have a loved one who tends to criticize almost every decision I make regarding my child, and it makes me feel like I’m not doing anything right for my daughter. I miss my kid free life sometimes. I miss the freedom that I had when my husband and I could just wake up and hop in the car for a road trip, or go on a spontaneous date without the responsibility of having to bring a child along or find childcare for her. I have terrible anxiety. I’m always afraid to leave the house alone with my daughter, but I’m also always afraid to stay home alone with her. Of course I still end up doing both, but I’m in anxiety mode the entire time until we’re reunited with my husband.

I’ve battled some type of anxiety since the day my daughter was born. I’ve always dealt with it alone because I was afraid that if I shared my fears with my husband, I’d make him feel like it was somehow his fault, and because none of it is even remotely his fault (or anyone’s fault for that matter), that would make me feel even worse if he ever started feeling that way. I kept it from my friends who don’t have kids. I felt like like they couldn’t possibly understand. I also kept it from my fellow mommy friends because they all seemed like they had everything together. I’ve never seen them cry or complain. They always seemed so happy and eager to spend every waking moment with their little ones, so I figured this is what a normal mother should be like. I started feeling like maybe the feelings I had were selfish, and maybe I’m not a good mom because of those feelings, so I kept it to myself.

But then, a few days ago, I started scrolling through my Facebook timeline and a post that someone shared from a young mom popped up. She talked about the rough day in motherhood that she was experiencing. She talked about how she sat in her car at the store and cried. She talked about how sometimes she has to hide for a few, just to prevent herself from completely falling apart. That post had 18 THOUSAND shares. And then another post came across my timeline. It was a post from one of the mommy groups that I’m a part of. These mommies were on there pouring their hearts out about how rough it is to be a mom at times. Last time I checked, there were about 200 comments on that post. And then another post popped up. This mother said she cried and felt terrible about making her daughter eat school lunch because she was unable to get herself together to make her a homemade lunch. As I kept scrolling, I saw a few more posts from mothers who were having bad days and were beating themselves up about it. Up until recently, many of these mothers (myself included) kept these things to themselves, which I believe may also be a small part of why so many of us end up battling depression or anxiety. The more you keep things bottled up, the more it hurts you.

These posts made me realize that I’m not alone though, and that these feelings are perfectly fine to have. As much as we want to be, we are not Superwomen, and that’s ok. It doesn’t make us bad mothers at all. It doesn’t make us selfish, and it doesn’t make us crazy. It makes us normal human beings. There is no handbook to teach you how to navigate through motherhood, and you will have bad days. All of this is ok. You can cry, hide out for an hour, and even scream if you need to. You can then pick up the phone and call another mother to talk about it, because our feelings definitely need to be discussed more. They also need to be discussed with someone who has been in your shoes and will not judge you, and I guarantee that your other mom friends felt the same way at some point, and will be happy and relieved to have the conversation with you.

No matter what you are going through, and no matter how you’re working on addressing it, just remember that your breakdowns are ok, and you will be ok. Your babies love you, and no matter how you may be feeling about yourself at the moment, they think you are the greatest mommy in the world!

Insecure

Today is August 17th, 2017 which is my Birthday (Earthday)… whatever name you want to call it! This year I decided upon a photo shoot. Not just any photo shoot, but a photo shoot and a blog to promote positive body image. I remember being displeased with my body at the age of nine. Some of my body parts seemed to be growing fast, which looked very awkward on a child. Adults would make negative comments about my body and we all know how cruel kids can be.
 
I always seemed to be bigger than everyone else including my friends. Even in high school, I considered myself to be the big girl with the pretty face. You see being “thick” wasn’t all that popular in my day. I mean don’t get me wrong, there has always been males, at that time, that made me feel good about my body- but the damage had already been done. If you don’t feel good about your body it doesn’t even matter what anyone else thinks.
 
The lead girls in music videos were always thin unless it was Buffy the Body and she was all butt back then! I don’t really recall seeing many positive images of bigger women on TV, if I saw any at all. My birthday photo shoot felt like a coming out moment for me. It’s me accepting my entire body flaws and all! Recently one of my Facebook friends asked if there were any girls out here with naturally perfect curves without any enhancements from surgery. If you didn’t know we are in the age of Brazilian butt jobs, liposuction, tummy tucks, and gastric bypass surgery. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of those procedures if that is what you need to feel beautiful.  As a person that has never had any type of surgery, those avenues just aren’t for me currently.
 
My body may not be perfect, but I love the way I look!  I definitely have curves, and I make an effort to workout 4-5 days a week. I don’t workout due to my weight; I workout because I want to obtain and maintain good health. This blog isn’t just about big or bigger girls. This blog is for every girl or woman who has ever been told that she’s too skinny or too tall. For every woman who has been told her breast or butt weren’t big enough, or that her stomach wasn’t flat enough. It’s for every person that has ever been compared to a model, actress, singer, or some random girl on Instagram that shows all her goods!
 
Embrace whatever body type that you may have. Look at your beautiful naked body in the mirror and speak positive life into yourself! You believe what you tell yourself, and as long as you speak positively to yourself you’ll never feel insecure.
 
Respect and love your body no matter its shape or size.
 
Photo credit JMT Printing & Design photo of Ashley Rae..

Policing Vaginas

There has been so much celebrity gossip going on via social media lately, with the most recent subject being Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian. If you’ve been under a rock, let me give you a quick run down: Chyna allegedly sent Rob a video of her in the bed with a dude on July 4th. Rob then began to spill all of Chyna’s tea- which included posting a picture of Chyna’s vagina on Instagram. Keep in mind that they had already broken up, so doesn’t that mean she can sexually entertain whomever she wants? Since then, Rob’s Instagram account has been suspended. Meanwhile, people are talking about how Rob knew Chyna was a hoe and he should have expected it. I’m just confused on how so may people that don’t know Chyna personally know who has been in her vagina! Continue reading “Policing Vaginas”

It’s just biology

It’s that time of year again! You guessed it prom season. Social media is filled with pictures of young men and women in their gowns and garments, getting ready to enjoy their last high school special occasion before their graduation. There was a picture that I stumbled across of a young lady going to prom and she was pregnant. If I had to guess, I would say somewhere between 6 and 9 months pregnant. She wore a beautiful form-fitting gown. Her hair was styled in loose spiral curls, and her makeup appeared flawless and perfect.

This photo was actually the first time I’ve seen a showing pregnant young lady glammed up for prom. I didn’t think much of it until I read the comments. People are so cruel, and they weren’t shy about what punishment their kids would be receiving for being pregnant in high school. Everything you could think of was listed as a punishment. Some stated she shouldn’t be able to attend prom due to her situation. People commented… “She has other things to be worried about,” “I wouldn’t spend money on prom due to the disappointment of being pregnant.” This is my favorite line “Since she wants to be grown so bad she shouldn’t be involved in kid events such as prom.” Having sex has nothing to do with being grown or acting grown it’s just biology. Biology tells us that both boys and girls go through puberty. Puberty is the time in which kids and/or teens become sexually mature. After becoming sexually mature eventually the act of sex or sexual behavior will occur. Having sex is an act of biology.

There are so many things that disturbed me about the comments for several reasons. I have never understood why reproducing has always been considered a horrible act in the African American community. I’m also curious as to why so many people were interested in punishing this girl. All these judgments were formed from this one picture. No one actually knows what her situation may have been. No one knows who paid for her prom expenses. She could be from a culture where she is already married and now expecting the couple’s first child. Folks are just shooting off at the mouth per usual.

The bigger issue of what the picture and comments represent to society- is plain old misogyny. Why do we continue to mistreat our daughters for mistakes and their bodies? Then wonder why their daughters don’t communicate with them… If we are constantly telling our girls that everything is their fault we can’t possibly be effectively teaching them to love themselves. As of lately, I have been in contact with a few ladies that were pregnant during my in time high school. Many of them informed me that they were mistreated by teachers and shunned by parents when they became pregnant. The audacity of those faculty members to display their negative feelings on a person already in a delicate and emotional state. That kind of behavior is not only appalling but it’s not productive nor necessary.

Do not misunderstand my intent for this article. I thoroughly understand that parents don’t want their teenager to become a young parent. However, if it does happen do you honestly think kicking them out the house, verbally abusing them, or any other punishment will help or hinder them in the long run? Teenage pregnancy isn’t some new phenomenon. Teenagers have been having sex and getting pregnant for decades! In fact the 2011 pregnancy rate was the lowest it has been in over 3 decades, and that’s with 54 out of every 1,000 women getting pregnant at age 15 and up.

Keep in mind girls don’t get themselves pregnant. Yet, we hardly ever hear about parents punishing their sons for their role in pregnancy. Some don’t even feel that their sons have to responsible in the situation. Reinforce safe sex and reevaluate the way you communicate with your daughter about the subject. Remember it’s not about being grown or wanting to be grown, it’s just Biology..

Thank you for visiting let’s talk Rae style…….

She has her own: Independent Women.

 

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I made a Facebook status posing the question “when did being an independent woman equal not needing or wanting a man?” Of course the comments section blew up. Some people stated that social media has a lot to do with this new found definition, while others said they actually heard women stating that they are independent and don’t need a man. However, I’m sure that the statement of not needing a man is being misinterpreted. Continue reading “She has her own: Independent Women.”

The Future President

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I was awakened this morning by a text message from my friend saying she was questioning so much about the world at the moment. I knew then that Donald Trump won the Presidency. To be honest, I’m not really sure how I feel, besides disgusted. While the numbers were being reported last night I tried my very best not to watch it. Yet, when my 10 year old niece called me and said “Ti Ti it’s really bad!” I indeed became nervous. Not to mention my Daddy was so distraught he just decided to sleep rather than watch the numbers. Continue reading “The Future President”

Relationship confusion.

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There seems to be so much love and happy relationships everywhere you turn. I am a person that loves love, all kinds of love. It doesn’t matter if it’s the love you have for your Mom or your bestfriend it’s an amazing feeling. However, I want to focus on the love that you receive within relationships with your boyfriend or girlfriend (significant others). There are people that love each other and show that love for each other by mirroring one another’s love. There are always those that demonstrate their love in completely different ways, but it’s just how they love (Here is where things get twisted). Continue reading “Relationship confusion.”

Handle YOUR business in the bathroom.

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I take weekly trips to Target- sometimes three times a week. My trips include me drinking a Sweet Tooth Latte from Biggby and consuming a bottle of Absopure right after. After I go through the home goods, cleaning, intimates, and grocery aisles, it happens: the great bathroom debate. I’m stuck in checkout trying to figure out if I can retain my urge to tinkle until I get home. Continue reading “Handle YOUR business in the bathroom.”

Is it dating?!

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Dating can be tricky in 2016. Hell, dating can be down right scary! Some people are dating to find a mate, and others are dating just to have a good time. Usually for a man to take a woman on a date, it means that he somewhat likes her. At the very least, he’s interested in her. Women accept date offers mainly to determine if they like the person, and to view the guy’s behavior and actions in public. Dates also determine chemistry between both parties. Continue reading “Is it dating?!”

Scandalous Reality..

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Did you all watch the last episode of Scandal? My mouth literally dropped to the floor as Olivia proceeded to the clinic to have an abortion. All while Mellie stood in the middle of The Congress floor for 16 hours in order to guarantee funding for Planned Parenthood. There are so many groups that are against Planned Parenthood not realizing that only 3% of the organizations business are actually abortions. Planned Parenthood has been viewed under a microscope since a clearly edited video was leaked accusing the organization if illegally selling fetal issue. It’s safe to say that today Planned Parenthood’s efforts are geared towards Women’s health. Mainly helping to prevent sexually transmitted infections and diseases. Continue reading “Scandalous Reality..”